Jackson Browne, Suffering, and Awareness
Jackson Browne turned seventy-five on October 9. I like his music, but that is not the reason I set a calendar alert for October 9. It’s because his music has been a friend to me in my hardest times, like that teenage heartbreak, the death of my brother, and the betrayal of trusted friends. For nearly fifty years, a Jackson Browne song was a key voice during times of deep loss. These songs helped me like a good friend does, reminding me in those moments I was not alone even though alone was the only thing I knew.
Suffering is a gentle teacher. The lessons come in small doses over enough time to let each dose do its work. Recovery is slow, and not complete for a very long time.
You learn from suffering what you cannot learn any other way.
You learn that God decides the pace of your recovery. Trying to speed the process shuts it down. Trying to escape the process puts it on hold. God works inside our efforts to rush or escape things, using our efforts in his cause for our good. In the end, the pace is organic, with growth spurts and dormant seasons stretching over the time needed for growth to be deep and strong and fruitful.
You learn that you must not forget your pain. If you do, your heart begins to close toward its pre-suffering place. If you remember, your heart continues to open, slowly extending your capacities to experience sorrow and joy.
You learn you must face your suffering and the pain and sadness that accompany it. If you only talk about your pain, you will remain stuck within it. If you talk from your pain, you are sharing your inner life with another. This honest sharing generates a clearer view of who you really are, not only to the one listening, but to yourself as well.
Openly receiving your suffering, staying present to it, and growing through it enables you to be present to others’ when they are suffering deeply. Your suffering grows your awareness of the struggles of the heart and mind of another because you are more aware of the pain suffering brings to your own heart and mind.
Awareness is the heart of emotional intelligence. Being with another person in a well-connected way produces a reciprocal flow of feelings between and within each of us that energizes the connection.
Increasing awareness in a relationship can be frightening. We all are afraid of intimacy that is out of our control. To be known is risky business. There is no safe road forward. Opening up, relaxing, and receiving what your heart is longing to receive is frightening, but to stay closed and safe is dehumanizing.
When we get uncomfortable with increasing intimacy, we might prefer to squash the emotions and stay in our head. We live in a “Dragnet” world where Joe Friday reminds us, “Just the facts, please.” Just-the-facts living pays off with safety, calmness, and predictability. But it reduces the inter-subjective ricochets that are the core of heart-to-heart experiences.
It helps us to remember. During my recovery from my most recent suffering, my eyes were opened to the many ways God has been present my whole life. He has provided reminders that I was not alone. Jackson Browne’s music was just one of those things. More importantly were the people who paused and paid attention, so I knew I was seen, heard, and valued without judgment. Those doses of connection helped me know I was not alone even during isolating experiences.
For me, this whole long journey has been about getting a clearer picture that God is a good father, one who loves and one who likes his children just the way he made them. There is no greater connection than to be seen, heard, and valued by God, without judgement.
